Are you trapping yourself in a box of your own making?
Perhaps it's time to get out
It’s easy to feel constrained in life, both at work and outside. Feeling like we have to behave a certain way, look a certain way, do things a certain way to be successful (or to avoid failure and shame).
We can end up contorting ourselves to fit a set of rules, constraints and standards. Yet how often do we interrogate them to see if they’re real? To see if, in fact, they might be limits of our own making?
Now, I want to be clear upfront, I'm not talking about the systemic, structural inequalities in society that force some to code switch or hide parts of themselves in order to avoid discrimination, harassment and worse. Those constraints are all too real, and continue to require work at a societal level to dismantle.
I'm talking about the stuff we do to ourselves. I've been talking to one of my clients about this recently, as they realised they had constructed themselves a metaphorical box and regularly put themselves back in it. It showed up in thinking along the lines of:
“I should…”
“I can’t…”
“I have to…”
“I can only [xxx] if [yyy]…”
“But I couldn’t…”
In other words, a series of self imposed limits about what they can and can’t do, how they have to do some things, or in some cases, needing permission or an invitation rather than simply stepping up and taking action.
Yup, it’s a box. Just making the metaphor clear! Photo by Kelli McClintock on Unsplash
This client is far from alone, I’ve seen it many times - and realised recently one area where I was doing it to myself.
I’ve been banging on for a long time about posting more video online - in my line of work as a coach it’s a great way to share ideas while allowing prospective clients to feel like they can get to know you a little.
Yet, I consistently don’t do it.
When I recently explored a bit more deeply why not, as in, what gets in the way, I realised a whole set of rules I’d made up about the process.
My hair has to be clean and styled.
This is problematic because (a) may hair is only washed a couple of times a week at most and (b) at least half the time I don’t actually style my hair after washing.
I have to have makeup on.
This happens even more rarely than styling my hair…
It has to be properly lit.
This means setting up the big ring light, which is a faff, and relying on it being a sunny day - but not too sunny or it’s too bright!
The sound quality has to be great, no background noise.
This either requires investment in a better mic, or waiting until the office is quiet after hours, which directly contradicts the previous “rule”.
It has to be polished, word perfect, no stumbles and properly edited.
Which takes a long time, and I rarely have the time or patience to do…
You can see why I didn’t do any videos! Every single one of these “rules” created a friction which made it less likely I would record them.
The real irony is twofold. First, that polished, coiffed look really isn’t me. In terms of my dress I aim for smart, comfortable and functional. I’m a roll-up-your-sleeves-and-get-to-work coach, far more interested in making a difference through challenging the thinking of those I work with, than I am about looking perfect, whatever that even means.
And second, it’s all unnecessary. Who says I have to look polished? Who says the videos have to be perfectly lit, with flawless sound and snappy editing? If they aren’t does that mean they won’t make a difference, or no one will watch? No.
If I can relax on some of these self-imposed rules then I can get to doing the thing I actually care about, which is getting my ideas out into the world and making a difference. Cheesy but true.
Where are you in a box of your own making?
Maybe it's (not) speaking up in meetings. Maybe it's (not) stepping up to take responsibility, or to take on a particular project? If you've already decided you can't because of some arbitrary rule, or there's something you have to do before you could possibly consider doing that, those may well be things you're putting in your own way.
My invitation to you is to let go of the rule, give it a go see what happens. Which is something I’m practising myself, so be prepared to see a few more videos where I am not word perfect, and I have post-gym hair and no makeup. The reality is unless you’d read it here, you probably wouldn’t even notice. The same is true for you…
If you’d like an example (and a laugh!) watch this!
Let me know what you think in the comments! What rules have you made up? What will you do to practise letting them go?
Sweating the Small Stuff
This week: Challenge your language
Notice where in your language you have some of the phrases above, or very similar. You can equally do this for those you work with. See what happens when you challenge yourself on the language:
For “I should…” try: “Why do I think that? or “What if I?”
For “I can’t…” try: “Why can’t I?”
For “I have to…” try: “Why do I think I have to?” or “I get to”
For “I can only [xxx] if [yyy]…” try: “Says who?”
For “But I couldn’t…” try “But what if I could?” or “What if I did”?”
Book update
It’s just two and a half weeks to the launch of Do Sweat the Small Stuff. Eeek, how did that happen!
If you’d like to support, I’d be hugely grateful, and there’s a few things you can do…
It’s not too late to sign up to join my Street Team, sign up here. You’ll have the chance to help my campaign to try and make the book an Amazon bestseller!
Please do come along to the online launch, live on LinkedIn on 9th July at 4pm BST, 5pm CET, 11am EST, 8am PST. Link to join is here.
And if you’d like to be extra fabulous, you can pre-order a hard copy of the book here if you’re in the UK, here if you’re in the US (both #aff), and here if you’re anywhere else in the world.
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