Drowning in a sea of opinions
When you are clear whose opinion actually matters, it’s easier to keep your head above water and handle the rest
Hello, and welcome to this week’s Substack! It’s been an, ahem, interesting week watching the US elections play out. Whatever your views on the result (and I won’t go into that here), politics does drive up a lot of opinions. Opinions on what you should do, opinions on what’s right or what makes sense, opinions on your point of view.
And it isn’t only about politics. Whenever we are out in the world taking action, making decisions or leading, other people will have an opinion about it. The question is, what do we do with all of those?
Opinions, opinions, everywhere
I went down a funny rabbit hole as I was doing some background reading for this Substack. It turns out when you research the psychology of opinions, and why we have them, a lot of people have an opinion about it… Who knew 😂
And that’s the point: opinions are everywhere. They are how we function, how we take action or make decisions. They are part of how we express our identity to others, how we define ourselves in groups or communities that share those opinions, and equally self-select out of groups that do not. They may be how we express our passion about a particular subject, or seek to influence others.
Above all they help us understand ourselves, and make sense of the world. They are where we take a stand, and form the basis for discussion and debate.
Opinions aren’t good or bad, they simply are. Whether widely held or not, whether rational or otherwise, whether backed by knowledge or based on instinct, opinions have no inherent significance. It’s what we do with them that gives them so much potency.
The power of opinions
Opinions have power because we give them that power. It’s a normal and often useful thing to do. As I discussed in my Substack a couple of weeks ago about people pleasing, our need to belong is a powerful drive, and paying attention to the views of others is part of how we make sure we remain safely in a group where we do belong. Yet with so many people having an opinion, it can quickly become overwhelming.
So which opinions matter?
Deciding that no one’s opinion matters other than our own probably isn’t a healthy way to exist. That level of confidence in our own rightness will inhibit learning or discovering new and different perspectives. Yet the other extreme isn’t helpful either. If we hold everyone else’s opinion as the absolute truth it can become paralysing. What if they are contradictory? What if I disagree? Are they right or am I? What if I’m not sure of the validity of their opinion or worse, I don’t really respect them? It can be hard to ignore other people’s opinions, especially if they seem influential and/or knowledgeable, even if the logical part of our brain is (rightly) questioning it.
How to decide what to do with opinions
Let’s illustrate one approach with an example from the editing process of my book, Do Sweat the Small Stuff (if you’re new here and/or don’t yet have a copy, have a look here 🙂).
Once I had a pretty good draft ready I asked for feedback (a.k.a. opinions) on the book from seven so-called beta readers. I chose these seven people for a few reasons:
I respected them as individuals and valued their opinion;
They brought specific, relevant experience which I wanted to tap into; and
Each had a particular perspective that I thought they could bring which would allow me to understand a range of viewpoints.
This illustrates the first part of the “how” of what to do with opinions – choosing who you listen to. It was a carefully curated group. I trusted them and actively wanted to hear their opinion. It was also deliberately small. On many issues you will get as many different opinions as the number of people you ask – these seven gave me a breadth of opinions without it becoming overwhelming.
Brene Brown suggests for a similar approach for whose opinions you care about with her concept of a Square Squad. Take a one inch (2.5cm) square piece of paper and on it, write a list of the people whose opinion matters to you, who you trust to be honest with you, and who want the best for you. It is deliberately small to force you to keep the list short!
For anyone not on that list, they are more than entitled to have an opinion, and you have a choice as to whether you listen to it. However you can equally give yourself permission to not take any notice of it.
A few weeks after sending the draft of my book, the feedback – opinions – started to come in. There were a lot, as you’d probably expect. They were varied, focusing on all sorts of different things, and some were directly contradictory to one another.
It would have been easy to fall into the trap of trying to incorporate everything they said into the text. After all, I valued their opinions, I’d asked for them, this was what I wanted, right?
Well, yes and no. Opinions from those we value, like feedback, are like gifts. This is the second part of how you deal with opinions – you can choose to accept them or not, and even if you do, it’s up to you what you do with them. Once a gift has been given the giver no longer has the right to determine what you do with it, even if they think they do. If they actually can make you do something, it’s no longer an opinion but an instruction.
So I listened, I reflected, and got to work. Some feedback I incorporated fully, some in part, and some I said to myself: “That’s interesting, and I’m choosing not to do anything with that.”.
Even if the opinion is from someone you respect, even if you asked for it, even if it is valid – it remains your choice.
And if all else fails, remember:
“The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence whatever that it is not utterly absurd.”
Bertrand Russell
What do you think? (Yes, I am asking your opinion!). Leave a comment and let me know…
Matching intent and impact
If you’re looking for a podcast to listen to this weekend, and you haven’t yet had enough of me (!) then you might just enjoy this great conversation I had with Corine Hines on the Visible Leader Podcast.
We looked in depth at how we match our intent and our impact, and explored some of our habits that may be quietly hurting our team. Things like:
Asking Questions That Close Down Discussion
When you ask, “Does everyone understand?” and everyone nods – chances are, you're not getting the full picture.Saying One Thing, Doing Another
Telling your team you value balance but then sending late-night emails sends mixed signals. Model the boundaries you preach.
Letting Emotions Lead the Conversation
If you’re frustrated or distracted, it’s easy for your team to feel like it’s about them. Take a moment, acknowledge it or reschedule.
Delaying Responses Without Explanation
No one enjoys the silent treatment. And it can feel like a power move. Reduce anxiety and keep communication open.
Jumping to Solve Problems
Don’t be Frankie “Fix-It.” Instead, ask, “What would be helpful here?”.
Want to hear more? You can listen to the full episode here.
Its back!
If you missed the last one, it’s back! I’m running another – updated and improved – Small Stuff Big Impact Workshop on 19th November at 4pm GMT. (Note the amended date).
Unlock the hidden power of small, everyday interactions with "Small Stuff, Big Impact: Discover the transformative power of micro-interactions". This live, online (complimentary) workshop will introduce you to the world of micro-interactions – those small, seemingly inconsequential moments that have a profound impact on your team’s engagement and performance. If you’re leading or managing others, mastering these moments is essential to building stronger relationships and creating a more motivated, connected team.
In this 60-minute introductory workshop, you will:
🌟 Learn what micro-interactions are and why they matter in leadership.
🌟 Discover how small adjustments in communication, tone, and behaviour can create a ripple effect, transforming your daily interactions into powerful tools for engagement.
🌟 Learn how to translate theory into action – you will leave with practical suggestions to start making subtle but effective changes right away.
Register for your place via this link, and please do share with anyone you know who might like to join.
Places are limited to ensure a truly interactive discussion, so sign up now to avoid missing out.
See you there!
Interested to work with me? Drop me a message and let’s chat.
Referrals are at the heart of my business. If you know anyone who might benefit from working with me, whether coaching, workshops or speaking at their event, please send them my way – thank you!
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See you next week, when we’ll be exploring how our brain can be our best friend or our worst enemy, in a review of The Chimp Paradox, by Prof. Steve Peters.