From wanting to willing: the power of small, uncomfortable steps
Why being willing to do the hard things matters more than simply wanting the outcome.
At the gym this week we had pull ups on the program. Pull ups have been my nemesis for a long time. I can't do them. Not even one clean, unassisted pull up.
I'm not alone in this.
Probably two thirds of the group also struggled. As we couldn’t do regular pull ups, we did eccentric pull ups. And no, I don’t mean peculiar pull ups! Well, not exactly. Eccentric pull ups are ones where you jump up to the top position and lower yourself down slowly in order to build strength.
They hurt.
Even doing five or six with breaks in between left my arms aching and feeling like lead. It was frustrating and to be honest, a bit demoralising.
One of the other members said to the coach: “I want to be better at pull ups. How can I do that?”
The answer wasn't really one they wanted to hear: “More of this” was the reply. In essence, more pull ups. More practice. He grimaced.
And there’s the rub. We might want to be better at pull ups, but is we willing to do what it takes to become better at pull ups?
This is actually me. But not doing a pull up…because I can’t!
This same tension - wanting vs willing - shows up a lot around things that we want. I want to be better at giving feedback. I want to feel more comfortable having hard conversations. I want to be better at speaking up in large meetings.
The question is, are we willing to do what it takes to do that?
Because often that process isn’t particularly exciting or fun. Sometimes it's actively uncomfortable, or frankly hard work.
But if we actually want that thing, we have to be willing…
…willing to practice.
…willing to be bad at something before we're good.
…willing to put in the hours.
…willing to be uncomfortable.
…willing to be shit at something in public sometimes.
…willing to not be perfect the first time we try.
…willing to be patient.
Think about it. What is it that you want? What is it that you know you could do to have or achieve that thing, or to be better at that thing. Then ask yourself:
Am I willing?
Not just right now, not just today, this week, but for as long as it takes until you have the thing that you want. Many things worth having will require something of us in return: some persistence, some discomfort, some tenacity, some patience.
Let’s be clear, you don’t have to! This isn’t about whether you should or shouldn’t do something. It is an acknowledgement that on some level you are making a choice either way.
To be willing is to choose to be in small, consistent action over time, even if there is a part of us that doesn’t want to do those things. That’s what makes the difference.
Sweating the small stuff
This week: Take action
What’s something you want that you’ve been avoiding? What is one, small, simple (perhaps slightly uncomfortable) action that you could take, today, that moves you towards that? Are you willing? If not, that’s OK, don’t beat yourself up about it. Make peace with that choice. But if you are? Get on and do that thing. Then celebrate and do it again tomorrow.
Discomfort isn’t the enemy
To make the case for doing this beyond just getting what you want, this post by Charlotte Grimmel offers another perspective on why it’s good do the uncomfortable thing:
Would you like to work with me?
Whilst I have your attention (if you’ve made it this far…) I have a couple of spaces for individual clients in my coaching practice at the moment. If you, or someone you know, think you might benefit from working with me, get in touch here and let’s chat.
I support those navigating the transition from managing to leading. I help my clients to build confidence and skills leading larger teams, learn to communicate powerfully including managing up as well as down, and feel like they’re thriving rather than just surviving.
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Thank you, and see you next time! Next week on “What I’ve been reading”, I’ll share my thoughts on Amy Edmondson’s superb book, Right Kind of Wrong.