Learning to let go of the (conversational) leash
…to let your team's thinking run free
Have you ever had that experience in a conversation where you just feel stifled? Controlled? Boxed in? I had a conversation like that last week, where it felt like everything I said got shut down. It’s not a fun experience.
Yet we inadvertently do it to other people. It’s not often on purpose, but can come from our own fears, doubts or insecurity, or simply through not paying enough attention.
Take a moment and think back through the last few conversations you’ve had with members of your team. Did any of these apply:
You reiterated a point more than once to make sure the other person really got it?
You brought the conversation to a close because you were busy and wanted to get on with something else?
You overrode them or said no to a suggestion because you thought your way was better/more efficient/more appropriate?
You reminded them in some way of your authority, perhaps that your suggestion wasn’t really a suggestion at all?
You emphasised your knowledge?
You hid or avoided talking about something you were unsure of?
Let’s be clear before we go any further: there’s nothing inherently wrong with any of these. And, they can all be subtle signs of an underlying need to be in control of a conversation.
Needing to prove a point (if you reiterate multiple times)
Needing to control the length of the conversation (ending it, perhaps prematurely)
Needing to be right (by pushing your solution)
Needing to show you’re in charge
Needing to demonstrate your superior knowledge
Needing to show you have it all handled (hiding uncertainty)
“Let it go…”
To borrow the lyrics to the well-known song, it’s important to learn the skill of letting go (sorry about the earworm!). If your conversations are too often controlled to within an inch of their life, you won’t be getting the best from your team, you’ll miss their best thinking, ideas, and creativity and you’ll miss when they’re trying to ask for or offer support.
I’m not saying this applies to every conversation. You’ve got stuff to do. So do they. But you can probably let go a little more frequently than you currently do.
One way to think about how, and how often, to let go of control is with an analogy. For this, I’m going to borrow a little excerpt from my upcoming book:
“Imagine you’re taking your dog for a walk (if you’re a cat person bear with me, me too, but this analogy doesn’t work for cats).
There will be times when it makes sense to have your dog on a short leash. Perhaps when you’re near a busy road or want to keep them under close control for another reason. Perhaps because they’re a puppy and still being trained.
There will be times when you can let them off the leash but still keep a close eye on them, calling them back where necessary. And there will be times when you can let them run free, to play, to explore, to zoom around the beach, to chase a ball or jump into the sea.
All have their place, and all require a level of relationship and trust between the dog and its owner. Without trust and training, you can likely never let them off a short leash or they will cause havoc. Equally, if you let them run free where it isn’t safe or appropriate then you put them and others at risk of harm.
The more chances dogs have to run free and play, generally the happier and more contented they are. A dog that only ever gets walked around the block on a very short leash is rarely satisfied.”
Now apply that analogy to your conversations. Look for every opportunity to let the conversation run, to listen deeply and to ignite creativity and creative thinking in those around you.
Photo by Harrison Kugler on Unsplash
Sweating the small stuff
This week: Let go of the leash
Look for an opportunity this week to have a conversation where you let go of the leash entirely. Listen. Be curious. Encourage the other person to think. Leave lots of space. Let go of any need to control.
And see what happens. You might just create a little magic. And even if you don’t, you will still experience a different way of being with someone.
And finally…
I’ll save you from the earworm (yes, I nearly added that clip…) and instead, I’ll leave you with this joyous clip of a dog with the zoomies!
One of the reasons I chose to move over to Substack is that we can make this the start of a conversation rather than a one way broadcast! So I’d love to hear what you think, what you learnt, and if you tried letting go of the conversational leash, how you got on.
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Gretchen Rubin (https://gretchenrubin.com) recently mentioned on her excellent podcast that using the phrase 'tell me more' opens up conversations really well. I've found myself using it a few times in the last few days, either when I couldn't find just the right question I wanted to ask, or I had so many questions it wasn't appropriate to fire them all out :-)
Also, I've become really aware recently of people who control conversations by being so eager to talk they cut off the other person, or finish their sentences for them. It's really annoying (whether it's happening to you, or to someone else you want to listen to) and disempowering so I'm trying to be very aware of that trait in myself and avoid doing it.