Letting go of the illusion of control
When we learn to release our attachment to outcomes, we can play for the results we want
Hello, happy Friday!
This has been one of those weeks where everything feels in flux. Appointments moving around in my calendar, things which I thought would be nailed down still not finalised, emails disappearing into the void without replies and so on. On top of that, I’ve been dealing with my first cold of the winter and the weather (and by extension my flat) has been freezing. It has been a frustrating week, driven mostly by things entirely outside my control.
Does that mean I haven’t tried to control, or at least fix, some of these things? Of course not 🤣 Who do you think I am? And we all do, right? At least to some extent. So let’s look a bit deeper.
The drive to control
As humans we tend to vastly overestimate what we are actually able to control. The result? We put time and effort into trying to control all sorts of things which are in fact outside our control, almost always unsuccessfully.
Things like…
How other people behave
What other people think of us
How other people feel
What other people do, or don’t do
Our time, or our need for rest
Our desire for control can come from a range of sources, but a common reason is a fear of the unknown. Not knowing how something will go, or what someone will think, leads us to try and create a certainty that would make us feel better.
Sitting in the unknown can be uncomfortable. Things feel unresolved. We often start ruminating about what might happen, and those ruminations are rarely positive. As Isaac Lidsky put it in one of my favourite TED talks: “Fear replaces the unknown with the awful”.
Faced with that, we try and do something. We pour time and energy into attempting the impossible: to control the uncontrollable. Because doing something makes us feel better. Yet frequently all this activity achieves is to keep us busy. We don’t take the time to discern whether we are achieving any forward motion or making any meaningful difference.
A mindset shift
Sometimes people hear the invitation to let go of a need to control, and think that means they should give up. That’s not what I’m saying, in fact, that is simply the other side of the same problem.
Our fruitless attempts to control the uncontrollable often come from an attachment to a certain outcome. Driving to try and create a certain result. Needing someone to like or respect us. Wanting someone to think a certain way.
The flip side of that is to be resigned to the status quo. To decide that because we can’t control an outcome, we won’t even try. In many cases, where we have some influence but no control, that’s just as bad. It’s like saying because I can’t be certain I will win this game, I won’t even play.
So this is about shifting our mindset. Where you have influence but no control, you can still play for a result. And, you have to accept you can’t control the outcome. In many cases you’ll choose to play anyway, and you can celebrate and learn from your efforts whatever happens.
Where you have no control and no influence? That’s pretty much a no-win game, so that really is one to put down and let go!
So what can I do?
Here’s a reminder of what you can do. There’s nothing very revolutionary here, but sometimes we all need a little reminder…
One. Acceptance.
If something is outside your control, your only real option is to accept that. Any amount of resisting that fact won’t change that fact, and the sooner you can accept it the sooner you can move forward.
Two. Allow your emotions.
Don’t deny them, it won’t make them go away. See if you can express them in a healthy way, taking some exercise or talking to a trusted friend. Even writing them out can help them lose their potency.
Three. Redirect your energy.
If you feel the itch to do something, redirect that to somewhere you can make a difference, or can have an influence. Use that energy productively, don’t waste it where it will have no impact. Play for a result, but don’t let the result define you if it doesn’t go your way.
Four. Release attachment.
Let go of the attachment to things going a certain way. Where you have the power to influence but not control, and you may go all in on trying to influence an outcome. But if it doesn’t go the way you hope, that’s OK. You tried our best and that’s all you can ask of yourself, and all you ever had the power to control.
Five. Gain perspective.
Will the thing you’re trying to control matter in five hours? In five weeks? In five months or five years? If not, then let it go. Be annoyed, by all means, but don’t let something ruin your peace if it doesn’t really matter in the bigger scheme of things.
Are you someone who likes being in control? Do you get attached to certain outcomes? What if you could play for a result, but be OK if you didn’t make it? Let me know, or let me know how you get on with these suggestions via the comments.
Interested to work with me? Drop me a message and let’s chat.
Referrals are at the heart of my business. If you know anyone who might benefit from working with me, whether coaching, workshops or speaking at their event, please send them my way – thank you!
If you know someone else who might enjoy this, click here to send it to them directly:
See you next week, when we’ll be exploring how behavioural economics, psychology and neuroscience can transform our approach to our everyday lives, in How to Have a Good Day by Caroline Webb.