Mind The Gap
The power of meeting others where they are, not where we wish they were
Have you ever found yourself in a conversation where you feel a rising frustration because someone just isn’t getting it? It’s as though there’s a gap between you, a kind of chasm you can’t quite work out how to cross.
It’s more common than you might think. Sometimes you know it’s happening in the moment. Other times, particularly if you’re a leader, you only discover it much later – after something has gone wrong or after someone’s actions have missed the mark. And because it’s not always easy to say, “I don’t get it” or “I’m not ready for this”, people often don’t speak up, especially if you’re their boss. Unless you’ve gone out of your way to create a very safe environment for doing so, most people will quietly try to muddle through.
Either way, the impact is real. And many of us – myself included – can struggle to know what to do with that gap. So let’s explore it.
It’s not always the same gap
This isn’t one single type of gap. It can show up in several forms, and if you take a moment to look back on recent weeks you’ll probably see traces of each.
Sometimes the gap is about understanding.
We talk, we explain, we use words and diagrams that make perfect sense to us – because we’ve been sitting with the problem for days or months, because we’ve seen this pattern before, because we have context the other person simply hasn’t had. And then we wonder why they look blank, or why they go away and do something entirely different. What feels obvious to us may be brand new to them.
Sometimes the gap is emotional.
We think they are in the right headspace. The timeline says do it now, the plan says so too, but the reality is different. Maybe they’ve just come out of a bruising meeting. Maybe something is going on at home that you have no idea about. Maybe they’re simply tired and not at their best that day. Yet we plough on, wondering why their energy doesn’t match ours, why they’re not leaping into action.
And sometimes it’s a readiness gap.
We see someone’s potential and we assume they see it too. We hand over a stretch assignment, certain they’ll be energised by the challenge. But instead, we notice hesitation, delays, or quiet withdrawal. It’s not that they don’t want to rise to the challenge – more likely they’re carrying doubts, perhaps about their own ability, perhaps about what will happen if they fail. If we don’t notice that gap and offer reassurance or support, we risk making things worse rather than helping them rise to the challenge.
These aren’t rare scenarios, they’re everyday moments, often hiding in plain sight.
What the gaps look like
Because people rarely announce these gaps, we have to look for clues.
You might notice the gap in the outcomes. You leave a meeting feeling confident that everything’s agreed and clear – only to find, days later, that the work delivered looks nothing like what you expected. It’s not wilful disobedience. It’s simply that the picture in your head never quite made it across to theirs.
Other times it shows up as paralysis or avoidance. You check in on a project and realise nothing has moved forward. The person tells you they’re “still thinking about it” or “haven’t had time to get to it”, but it’s entirely possible that they don’t know how to begin and don’t feel able to say so.
And sometimes you can sense it in the moment. A pause that goes on slightly too long. A faintly puzzled look that flashes across someone’s face before they smooth it over. A silence in the room that feels heavy rather than reflective. It’s so easy to rush on – we’re all busy, after all – but those are the moments where the gap is most visible if we choose to notice it.
And if you’ve ever been on the other side of that gap, you’ll know exactly how it feels. I think back to my A‑level maths classes. One of my teachers had a habit, as he filled the board with his endless scrawl of formulas, of saying, “Oh, I’ve left out a couple of lines here, but you can see how I’ve got here.” A few students would nod confidently, while the rest of us were completely lost. But he was not the kind of teacher you interrupted. He’d already moved on, so you sat there, feeling stupid, frustrated and stuck, trying to cobble together your own solution. That feeling of being left behind – of having no safe way to ask for help – is exactly what we risk creating when we rush on without checking if someone is truly with us.
Closing the gap
Once you start noticing these gaps, the question becomes: what now? How do you help someone cross that chasm?
Notice – and stay curious
Slow yourself down enough to pay attention. What’s their body language telling you? How are they showing up compared to how they normally are? If you feel that niggle that something isn’t landing, don’t dismiss it. That instinct is often your first signal that a gap is there.Check in – gently
Ask open, low‑pressure questions: Is there anything I’ve been unclear on that I could address now? or What questions do you have for me on this? These kinds of invitations give someone permission to share without feeling as though they’re admitting failure. You might also ask them to summarise in their own words what they’ve understood – but do this carefully and supportively, so it feels like collaboration rather than a test.Lay planks
Instead of expecting someone to leap the gap in one go, help build a path across. Break down the big leap into smaller steps. Offer examples, or work through the first stage together. Provide a little more context or a clearer signpost. It might take an extra five minutes in that moment, but it can save hours of rework later – and it builds trust and confidence along the way.
The bigger shift
All of this has to be underpinned by a mindset shift that’s simple to say but surprisingly hard to practise: stop wishing people were somewhere else. Stop being impatient that they haven’t got it yet. Stop waiting on the hilltop, frustrated that they’re only half-way up. That frustration doesn’t close the gap.
Instead, choose to meet them where they are. That doesn’t mean lowering standards or doing the work for them. It means acknowledging their reality – their knowledge, their emotions, their readiness – and then working with them from there. When you do, not only does the immediate task become easier, but you deepen the relationship, you create trust, and you help someone grow in confidence and capability.
Those small, human choices add up. They’re the moments that quietly shape culture, build resilience and make the difference between a team that just delivers and a team that thrives.
A closing reflection
Think back over the past week. Was there a conversation, a meeting or a handover where, if you’re honest, you felt that niggle – that sense that the other person wasn’t quite with you? Perhaps you noticed it and pressed on anyway. Or perhaps you only realised later, when something didn’t turn out as expected.
Those moments aren’t failures, they’re opportunities. Each one is a chance to practise meeting someone where they are rather than wishing they were somewhere else.
In your next one‑to‑one or team conversation, pause and ask yourself:
What clues am I noticing about where this person really is – in understanding, in readiness, in emotional state?
If you sense a gap, experiment with one small step: ask an open question, invite them to play back what they’ve heard, or help them break the next step into something more manageable.
Notice what happens. Notice how the tone of the conversation shifts. And notice how, by meeting them where they are, you move forward together.
Hit reply and or leave a comment below and let me know your experiences on the gap, and what worked for you to close it.
Re-stack
I enjoyed this exploration of empathy this week, an essential ingredient in meeting people where they are.
Meme of the week
This one just made me laugh…because it is so true.
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