On compliments
Whether giving or receiving, compliments and positive feedback lift everyone
There are few things as easy to give, yet strangely difficult to offer, as a genuine compliment. Whether a small comment, a passing observation, or a few well-chosen words to let someone know that what they did, or who they are, has made a difference.
And yet we hesitate. We hold back. We keep our good thoughts to ourselves. Why?
Maybe it feels awkward. Maybe we assume they already know. Or perhaps, deep down, we’ve never quite grasped just how powerful a small moment of praise can be.
So let’s dig into this – both the giving and the receiving of compliments – and explore why these micro-interactions matter so much.
The science behind saying something nice
Let’s start with the why. Why does it matter to say the good thing out loud?
The benefits of positive feedback and compliments are well-documented. Receiving a sincere compliment activates the same parts of the brain as receiving a financial reward. Compliments feel good, not just emotionally, but neurologically.
But the benefits don’t stop with the recipient. Giving a compliment has also been shown to improve the mood and sense of connection of the person offering it. Research has shown that people systematically underestimate how positively their compliments will be received, and as a result, don’t give them as often as they might. Compliment givers consistently feel better afterwards – more connected, more energised, and more positive about their relationships.
And then there’s the ripple effect. Witnessing a moment of positive feedback – being in earshot of someone receiving a kind word – creates what social psychologists call emotional contagion. That warmth, that spark, spreads. People who feel appreciated are more likely to be appreciative, so kind words travel.
So why wouldn’t we lean into this more?
Giving compliments and positive feedback
Many of us, when it comes to feedback, lean towards the negative. Our radar is set to scan for problems, gaps, risks. In fact, research suggests that leaders give negative feedback more than twice as often as positive. The logic? Fix what’s broken. But the cost of neglecting the good is high.
Positive reinforcement, naming and calling out what is working, does more than make someone feel good. It signals what’s valued. It encourages repetition. It creates clarity and confidence, and it builds psychological safety, team cohesion, and trust.
And yet… we forget to say it.
We think something kind or affirming, and then we let the moment pass. Or we imagine that praise has to be substantial or formal for it to count.
It doesn’t.
Here are a few ways to think about giving better and more frequent compliments:
Little and often. Think less about big, performance-review-style feedback, and more about real-time nudges: “That meeting worked well because of how you held the room.” “I noticed the way you handled that client – it was thoughtful and effective.”
Look for the positive. Make it a daily practice to scan for something someone did well. Not only will you catch more opportunities to offer praise, but you’ll also shift your own mindset toward what’s working rather than what isn’t.
Reinforce what you want more of. Compliment behaviours you’d like to see again, like collaboration, creativity or courage. Try to be specific about what you noticed, so people can repeat it.
Say what you think. If a kind thought pops up: say it. Or write it down. A short email, a Slack message, even a Post-it on a desk can make someone’s day.
We are all more sensitive to praise than we let on. And we are more powerful in offering it than we realise.
Receiving compliments and positive feedback
And what about when kind words come our way? That’s where things can get tricky. We deflect. We downplay. We squirm. “Oh, it was nothing.” “Well, I just got lucky.” “It wasn’t really me.”
But dismissing praise doesn’t make us humble, it makes us unreachable. It subtly closes the door on connection. Worse still, it can make the person offering the compliment feel awkward or rejected, especially if they’ve taken a risk to say something kind.
So why do we do it?
Sometimes it’s fear. We’re bracing for the “but” that might follow. Sometimes it’s social training – we’ve internalised the idea that taking a compliment might seem arrogant. And sometimes it’s discomfort: praise can feel surprisingly intimate, and we’re not always ready for it.
But if we can reframe compliments as gifts, then it becomes possible to receive them with grace not guilt.
Here are a few ways to think about receiving compliments well:
Let it land. Pause. Breathe. Resist the urge to explain, deflect, or joke. Let the kind words sink in for a moment.
Respond with warmth. A simple “Thank you, that means a lot,” or “I appreciate you saying that,” is more than enough. No need to qualify, justify, or pass the credit elsewhere.
Sit with the kindness. Let yourself feel the compliment. You don’t need to do anything with it. Just allow it to be true.
Recognise the giver’s courage. Receiving praise well is also a kindness to the person giving it. It validates their impulse to appreciate you, and encourages them to do it again.
An invitation
Here’s a challenge for you for the coming week: who’s the last person you thought something nice about, but didn’t say it to?
Say it. Or send it. Or write it down.
And when the next kind word comes your way, see what it’s like to let it in.
Because in a world that can feel dark and cynical, noticing and naming the good is a powerful act. And every tiny gesture – a compliment, a kind note, a thank-you – adds a little light.
It might be small stuff, but it has a big impact.
What do you find challenging about paying compliments? Or receiving them? And who are you going to give one to? Hit reply and let me know, or add a comment via the button below.
And finally…
This week’s meme chose itself 😍
See you next week!
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