Resilience isn’t what you think it is
Forget toughness – resilience is about energy, not endurance
We get a lot wrong about resilience.
It’s one of the most myth-heavy concepts in leadership and personal growth. Over time, it’s picked up more than a sniff of stoicism – pushing (or suffering) through, pretending everything is fine, denying how we really feel – all of which make resilience sound more like suppression than strength.
The problem is, these myths don’t just muddy our understanding. They quietly shape our expectations of ourselves and others, setting unhelpful standards for how we think we’re supposed to cope. When we don’t meet them, we can end up feeling like we’re failing, even when we’re not. And more than that, these myths actually get in the way of building the kind of resilience we need. The kind that helps us recover, adjust, and keep going in the face of challenge.
This links to the theme we explored last week: consistency. Because one of the things that enables consistency is resilience. If we want to keep showing up, especially over time, we need to be able to bounce back more quickly – and ideally, be less affected in the first place. That ability to recover, to stay the course, and to return to action when things don’t go to plan, is an essential ingredient of consistency. Resilience is part of the foundation that supports it from underneath. Let’s explore.
Busting some myths about resilience
So what is resilience, really?
The American Psychological Association defines it as:
“The process and outcome of successfully adapting to difficult or challenging life experiences, especially through mental, emotional, and behavioral flexibility and adjustment to external and internal demands.”
There’s a lot in that definition, but a few things are worth drawing out.
First, resilience isn’t a single moment or achievement – it’s both a process and an outcome. Something you build over time, and something you benefit from in the moment.
Second, it’s not about solving or fixing the challenge. It’s about adapting to it – being flexible in how you respond to what’s happening around you, and within you.
And finally, it’s not just about mental strength. Resilience draws on emotional, behavioural and cognitive capacities. And it involves managing both internal pressures (like self-doubt or fear) and external ones (like workload, pace or uncertainty).
That already paints a more nuanced picture than the cultural shorthand we so often see. But let’s go a level deeper. These are five of the most common myths I hear, and why they’re not only incorrect but unhelpful.
Myth 1: Resilience means pushing through
Truth: This is probably the most deeply embedded of all. But real resilience isn’t about pretending everything’s fine or ignoring how you feel. It’s about recovering. It’s about being able to bend without breaking – to feel things, to process them, and to find your footing again.
Myth 2: You’re either born resilient or you’re not
Truth: Resilience isn’t a fixed trait, it’s something you can build. And most people do over time, through self-reflection, support, and practice. Tools like flexible thinking, connection to meaning, cultivating positive emotion, strong relationships and effective self-care all contribute to it. It’s more of a toolkit than a personality type.
Myth 3: Resilient people don’t struggle
Truth: They absolutely do. What sets resilient people apart isn’t that they avoid struggle, but that they have strategies and support systems that help them move through it. And perhaps most importantly, they know that struggling doesn’t mean failing.
Myth 4: Resilience means going it alone
Truth: In fact, the opposite is usually true. Resilience is often strengthened through connection – through relationships, communities, and a sense of belonging. The idea that it is something we have to cultivate in isolation is both inaccurate and unhelpful.
Myth 5: Resilient people bounce back quickly
Truth: Sometimes they do, but not always – and that’s not the point. Real resilience allows for time. It allows for growth. It’s not about getting back to how things were as fast as possible, but about recovering in a way that’s healthy, and that leaves you stronger.
And these aren’t even the only myths out there. Which should give you a sense of just how much confusion there is around what resilience actually is – and how much that confusion can get in our way. You might recognise some of these beliefs in yourself, or hold others of your own. If so, I’d invite you to start challenging them. Because when we let go of the idea that resilience has to look a certain way, we can start to build the kind that actually serves us.
Reframing resilience
To build resilience, it can be helpful to reframe how we think about it. Resilience isn’t just about toughness, it’s about how we manage – and replenish – our energy.
Most of the time, when our resilience is low, it’s not because we lack strength or grit, it’s because we’re depleted. We’ve run out of the resources we need to think clearly, to relate constructively, to make decisions, or to respond to challenge in a grounded way.
And when we look more closely, we can see that there are multiple types of energy at play:
Physical energy, which is about how rested and healthy we are.
Mental energy, which affects our clarity, focus and ability to process.
Emotional energy, which governs how much capacity we have to deal with our own emotional responses – and those of others.
Relational energy, which is shaped by the people around us, and how those interactions leave us feeling.
Spiritual energy, which is connected to meaning – our sense of purpose, alignment, and direction.
Resilience, then, becomes about more than just recovery. It’s about learning to manage our energy across all of these domains, and being proactive about renewal – not just reactive to stress.
What’s your battery level?
One of the most useful ways I’ve found to think about this comes from something most of us carry around in our pockets: our phones.
Some people keep their phone battery topped up – they’re never far from a charger, and rarely drop below 80%. Others hover around 50%, doing fine, but without much margin for error. And then there are those who spend most of their time at 10%, always watching for (yet also ignoring) the low battery warning, and knowing that one unexpected thing could shut everything down.
Our resilience can work the same way.
When we’re operating from 80–90%, we have a buffer. If something challenging happens, we can respond rather than react. We’re better resourced to support others, we feel steadier.
At 50%, we’re still functioning, but we’re more vulnerable to setbacks. We might find it harder to recover, or to make good decisions under pressure. We can use it as a signal we need to recharge sooner rather than later.
And at 10%, we’re in survival mode. One more demand or disappointment can push us past what we can realistically manage. It’s time to pause and recharge rather than try to push on through.
The metaphor works because we intuitively understand what it means to be charged or drained. It gives us a language for something we often struggle to articulate. And it reinforces something important: energy is a renewable resource. But only if we actually take the time to recharge.
So what can you do?
The invitation this week is simple – not easy, but simple.
First, check in with yourself. Where are you right now across the five areas of energy – physical, mental, emotional, relational, and spiritual? What’s feeling depleted? What’s feeling steady?
Then, commit to action.
What are three things you can do to replenish your own energy?
And what are three things you can do to support someone else’s?
It can often feel as if life is working against us when we try and recharge, as we navigate multiple competing commitments and demands on us from others. Yet – and yes I know it is a massive cliché – the fact remains you can’t pour from an empty cup. Until you start to recharge, things won’t get any better. And the only person who can do that is you.
Building resilience doesn’t mean trying harder. It means resourcing yourself more deliberately, and being attentive to what others might need too. When we take care of our energy, we increase our capacity to stay the course. And that’s what consistency – and leadership – really requires.
In what areas do you need to recharge? What will you do to make that happen? Hit reply or leave a comment to let me know.
If you’d like to read more, this is a great HBR article (and shaped some of my thinking around this): Resilience Is About How You Recharge, Not How You Endure.
Re-stack
One of the lovely things about Substack, which I haven’t yet been using to the full, is the community. There is a huge amount of brilliant writing on this platform, much of it completely free, so I want to start to harness that and share it with you all.
This week, a post from
, also on the theme of resilience, with some excellent ideas for reframing in the moment through how we talk to ourselves about what is going on.
Oh, and I’m going to try to come up with a more entertaining name for this section, but for now, it does what is says on the tin 🤣
Meme of the week
Not directly related to resilience, this just made me laugh. Although, if you’re doing the work of four people (yes, I’m looking at you 👀) then it might be time to (a) recharge and (b) look at what you can delegate (or ditch)!
Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you next week! As a reminder, if you’d like to support me and my writing for the cost of a coffee each month, please consider upgrading to a paid subscription. More perks coming soon…
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