Support isn’t a dirty word
Learning what types of support you could ask for can help you access the support you need, and deserve
If you know me in real life, you probably already know that I’m a lone wolf by preference. Happy to work independently, a natural introvert who recharges solo and can find working closely with other people tiring. Oh, and fiercely proud of my self-sufficiency. Just to be clear, if that’s you too, there’s nothing wrong with any of that!
But like any way of operating, it has its limits of usefulness. It makes me reluctant to ask for support, pushes me to spend time figuring things out when asking for help would be a lot faster, and frankly it is also an enabler for my ninja level procrastination skills, as I can keep it all very well hidden…
For some people, high achievers in particular, support can feel like a dirty word. A sign we are somehow deficient, needy, not in fact, as competent as we want others to think we are.
It’s if the act of asking for help makes us feel helpless…
Sometimes quite literally. For example, if we know we could use some support but don’t really know what to ask for. Or, we are doing something that only we can do - so how can anyone else possibly help?
Photo by Hans Veth on Unsplash
One way to reframe this is to think about different types of support that you might benefit from. A little bit of structure gives us a starting point to think about what we could ask for, and makes it all feel less vague and arm-wavy. (That’s a technical term, in case you weren’t aware).
Consider these three types of support for starters (there are almost certainly more).
Momentum
Sometimes the support we need is a metaphorical kick up the backside. Some accountability from someone else to help us stop procrastinating or avoiding and just get on with it. The other person doesn’t have to be invested in or even particularly care about our goal - the simple act of telling someone what it is, and saying what we will do by when is surprisingly effective (for more nuance on who you choose and how you share, have a read of this article).
Insight
When we get stuck, there are times when no amount of thinking or working harder seem to get us unstuck - we need a fresh perspective. Personally, when I get stuck I benefit from talking to others. Ideas that get tangled up in my head or on paper often become much clearer once I’m in conversation with someone. Sometimes the support we need is someone to kick an idea around with, who can say what else they see that we may have been unable to, or give feedback on where we might go next. If conversation doesn’t work for you, think about how else you could access external insight support - written feedback for example.
Reassurance
The other type of support we can benefit from is the one that feels least tangible, and to some of us, most indulgent. We need reassurance. Or to put it another way, someone to remind you that you can do it, you are capable, and if you can’t or you are finding something really hard, that doesn’t make you any less awesome. (Yes, I do mean you. You are awesome).
This type of support reinforces waning self-belief and can help quiet down self-doubt, allowing us to move forward with something even if we feel uncomfortable, scared or intimidated.
To be really clear, this is something you can ask for, you don’t just have to hope someone will notice and offer it to you. If you’re not comfortable asking at work, your closest friends or your partner are probably the place to look. I have been known to message my closest friends on a bad day and simply say: “Can you send me a bit of love today, I’m having a rough day?” or “I’m struggling with something, could you remind me I’m awesome?" It isn’t arrogant, it isn’t unreasonable, you aren’t bothering anyone. In fact, please trust me when I say your friends will actually love the opportunity to send some reassurance your way, even if you feel uncomfortable asking. Imagine if a friend sent that message to you? You wouldn’t hesitate in replying.
Simply by knowing what support we could ask for, and thus allowing us to make a more specific ask than just - help! - can make the act of asking, feel easier.
Sweating the Small Stuff
This week: Asking for support
Think about the three types of support above - which are you a bit short on? Which are you least likely to ask for? Which would you benefit most from? And on what?
I challenge you to take a step towards abundant support - ask for some every day.
It isn’t a dirty word, and it can make all the difference, not only to what you do but also the experience of doing it. More than that, the act of you asking for support also helps make it safe and normal for those you work with to also ask for support. So everybody benefits.
Add a comment below and let me know what you asked for, and how you get on!
H/t to my coach for helping me figure out this distinction around support in our coaching session this week. If you’re interested in uncovering this kind of awareness yourself, drop me a message. I have a couple of spaces open in my practice at the moment for 1:1 coaching - this could be one way for you to put in place an abundance of support.
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