The magic of holding space
What it means and why we could all benefit from being better at it
Hello, and happy Friday! Welcome to Small Stuff Big Impact, my regular reflections and practical suggestions for action on areas of leadership where small changes can have a big impact. This week we’re taking a look at an underrated skill for leaders, and for us as humans.
Holding space
The term sounds a bit pretentious, even pompous, doesn’t it? Well, perhaps. But it is a powerful concept and I believe an essential skill for building deep, trusting relationships.
The term was first popularised by Heather Plett, a Canadian author and facilitator. In a viral blog post back in 2015, Plett described holding space as being:
"…willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they're on, without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we…offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control."
Why does it matter?
When we hold space for someone, in essence we are giving the other person the gift of our attention, enabling them to feel seen, heard and understood. It can occur both moment to moment, in our meetings and day-to-day interactions, and over time within a relationship.
Feeling heard matters:
Highly engaged employees are three times more likely to say they feel heard at their workplace (92%) than highly disengaged employees (30%).
74% of employees report they are more effective at their job when they feel heard.
But this goes far beyond our productivity at work. On the day after World Mental Health Day, it’s hard to miss the connection to our mental health and wellbeing. Feeling heard and validated is rooted in our basic human needs for connection and belonging. When it’s missing, it can be detrimental to our health and happiness, quite aside from its effect on our productivity.
It’s also valuable in any relationship, personal or professional. Holding space represents a commitment to operate from a state of compassion. It is also a space of non-judgment, that can help the other person feel safe to express themselves.
How is holding space different to listening?
Often when we are listening, we are in fact listening for something. Listening for the problem we need to fix. Listening for who is to blame for a mistake. Listening for what someone needs from us. Listening for how we can move the conversation on and get back to work.
It’s like a filter in our listening that is usually subconscious. It’s rarely malicious. Rather it is based on habit and happens largely automatically; something compounded by being busy and therefore frequently hurrying, at least to some degree.
When we are holding space, we don’t have an agenda. We are deliberately not listening for anything. We might not even be speaking or listening at all, simply being with someone.
Holding space also signals the importance of the time and attention we give someone. That even if there is nothing they need right now, or nothing they have in particular to say, that we will hold that time and space sacred nonetheless because they matter to us.
Let’s explore a real-life example
One-to-ones are a great example of this. Most line managers know – or at least have been told – that it is good practice to hold regular one-to-one meetings with their direct reports. Yet these meetings can sometimes feel like a waste of time. The direct report never says much, and it just turns into a review of the tasks they’re working on. Over time, the meetings get less frequent, cancelled more when the manager (or team member) gets busy, and sometimes abandoned altogether until it’s time for annual reviews.
Yet sometimes a one-to-one is about more than what’s said in any individual meeting. It’s a signal that the manager sees that team member as someone important to them. That they are willing to hold that time and space for them no matter what. That they are ready and willing to listen as and when that team member is ready to speak up.
To do that requires choosing to relate to the one-to-one meeting that way. In other words, ensuring the meeting itself takes place, consistently, and within it being willing to lean back, let go of a need to control or fix, release judgement and let that team member speak and be heard.
How can I practise?
Here are four things to think about when working on holding space.
Slow down
Your pace can be your biggest impediment to truly holding space. Pause, take a breath, and then listen. Allow for some silence without needing to fill it. Don’t interrupt. Give the conversation space to breathe. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but it will improve with practise.Let go of a need to be in control
Let go of any need to get the conversation over with, or to get to a destination. Release your desire to fix problems or come up with a solution. See where the other person takes the conversation, follow their train of thought. Be curious and encouraging, and remember you can do that with attention alone, you don’t always need to jump in and speak.Listen actively, to understand
When we listen to understand, we are deliberately not thinking about what we might say in response. We simply reflect back what we hear and ask clarifying questions. This can help the other person clarify their own thinking, and build trust in themselves and their own perspective. Reflection is also part of helping them to feel heard, as it demonstrates out loud your depth of listening. Asking clarifying questions can help you focus only on what they are saying, not on what you are about to say next.Commit
Make a commitment to yourself to spend the time with someone important to you, whether personally or professionally. Even if you’re not clear on the purpose, what they want, or what you might get out of it. Even if you’re too busy. Be willing to spend that time holding space for them, in service of them alone.
See if you can identify one or two relationships or conversations this week which would benefit from you practising this skill. Then go out and give it a try. I’d love to hear how you get on via the comments.
Work with me
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If you, or someone you know, think you might benefit from working with me, get in touch here and let’s chat. Referrals are at the heart of my business, I appreciate you considering making the introduction.
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Thank you, and see you next time!
Next week on “What I’ve been reading”, we’ll explore a book closely related to the theme from this Substack, Time to Think by Nancy Kline.