Why your expectations may be destroying your relationships
...despite the best of intentions
Expectations. We all have them, whether we acknowledge it or not. The things we hope, assume, or at times specifically ask other people to do, or want them to behave.
The concept is embedded into our workplaces. When we talk about holding people accountable, expectations are commonly what we are holding people accountable to. They’re embedded in our performance appraisals too. I looked up an annual review from one of my old jobs (yes, I file everything, don’t @ me…) and every page completed by the manager was entitled “Performance against expectations”. The performance assessment levels used it too: far exceeding expectations, exceeding expectations, meeting expectations or not meeting expectations.
So expectations are everywhere. Yet we often don’t realise how problematic our expectations can become.
Let’s explore why.
The first problem: we don’t even realise or acknowledge we have expectations
Many of our day to day frustrations come down to this.
“Why did they do that?”
“That wasn’t how I wanted that to be done”
“I can’t believe they don’t know how to do that”
These are all a result of unacknowledged expectations. Which are therefore also inevitably unexpressed expectations, which leads us to…
The second problem: we frequently don’t communicate our expectations
Imagine living in a world where we dig lots of giant bear traps for people to fall into but don’t mention they exist or share where they are. That’s what this can turn into.
We have an expectation, we don’t communicate it (or don’t communicate it clearly), then we blame and judge the other person for not living up to those expectations.
But how on earth were they supposed to know?
This behaviour is setting up everyone around us to fail: to fall into one of the bear traps we’ve dug.
Put yourself in the shoes of the other person for a moment. You’re being blamed, judged and perhaps criticised for not doing (or perhaps doing) something that you had no idea about in the first place. It doesn’t feel great.
Gratuitous bear photo by Hans Veth on Unsplash
The third problem: we have expectations, rather than creating agreements
Just because you have an expectation, even if you have communicated it clearly, doesn’t mean it will be met. Why? Because the other person has not yet agreed to it.
“I expect this to be done by Thursday”.
That’s all very well, but perhaps that deadline is unrealistic due to time, resource or other constraints. Or maybe the cost of meeting it is simply higher than that person is willing to bear.
If you’re not open to a conversation on how to overcome those hurdles, and/or to negotiate and review your expectation, it is both damaging to the relationship and will almost certainly not be met. Not least because people’s tendency is to rebel against expectations imposed on them.
Repeat this behaviour over time and you actions will be relationship-destroying.
So what can you do instead?
Uncover and acknowledge your unexpressed expectations
Practice letting them go
Stop broadcasting at people and start discussing with people
Use those conversations to create common commitment
Negotiate and create an agreement
Once you co-create an agreement, everything changes.
You have a shared commitment, everyone is clear about what they have signed up to, and you increase your chances of seeing your objectives met. People are far more likely to keep their word when it is an agreement they have made.
Sweating the Small Stuff
This week: uncover your expectations.
Try to notice each time this week that you find yourself getting frustrated. This doesn’t have to be a major meltdown, it might be an inner eye roll or a sigh.
Take a moment and ask yourself: what is my expectation? Can I acknowledge that (at least in part) this frustration is caused by my own invisible expectations? Am I willing to let go of the expectation and seek to create an agreement?
If you’d like to explore a bit deeper, this is an excellent audio recording by Steve Chandler, a renowned coach, which was the inspiration for this post.
I’d love to hear what you saw for yourself in this distinction. What are your unacknowledged expectations? Are you guilty of broadcasting them without creating agreements? Have you tried creating agreements? How did it go?
Come and join the conversation in the comments section.
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