You set the tone
How your behaviour as a leader shapes the culture around you
“I wish they’d speak up more”
“They don’t seem to listen properly”
“They always wait for me to solve things, why don’t they take some initiative?”
Just a few of the comments I’ve heard in the last week or two, whether in coaching sessions, other informal conversations or in comments online. Managers and leaders who can identify the issue, but always perceive the problem as “over there”, with their team. Without stopping to consider how they themselves might be causing that behaviour or creating the conditions for it to persist.
This isn’t about apportioning blame. Instead, I think of it as owning our impact. Understanding that how we as leaders show up has a huge influence on the behaviour and culture of our team. Let’s dive in and explore.
It all starts with you
Leadership isn’t just about what you say; it’s about how you show up. The way you respond to a challenge, the tone when you speak, the way you greet a colleague in the morning, the way you listen (or don’t) in meetings – all of these micro-interactions send a message.
As a leader (yes, I mean you) you’re always being watched. This isn’t intended to be creepy, however it is true. Those around us observe our everyday actions and behaviours, and learn from them. They take cues on what is acceptable or unacceptable; what will garner approval and what might get them fired; what will bring success and reward and what will cause criticism.
So, unless we’re thinking about the messages that our micro-interactions are sending out, and being intentional about our behaviour, those messages may not be what we intend.
Culture is set by example, not policy
I’ve worked with organisations that have beautifully written values statements, talking about integrity, respect, collaboration. But if their senior leaders are dismissive in meetings, tolerate disrespect, or fail to recognise contributions, those values are meaningless. The team won’t look at what’s written; they’ll look at what’s modelled. “Do as I say, not as I do” simply doesn’t cut it.
One senior leader I coached was frustrated by a lack of engagement in his team. “They never bring me new ideas,” he would say. “I want them to challenge more, to engage in constructive debate.” But when we unpacked his behaviour in meetings, a different picture emerged. When team members tentatively shared ideas, he would immediately point out flaws rather than exploring possibilities. The result? A team that had been worn down by criticism, so had stopped bothering to speak up. A team that had learnt it was safer to stay silent.
He wasn’t a bad leader, he was simply unaware of the signals he was sending. Once he changed how he responded – pausing before reacting, asking questions instead of judging – he found his team opening up. Over time, the culture shifted.
Your smallest actions can have an impact
We’re not just talking about the big meetings and important moments here, the biggest impact is often in the everyday. What we do consistently, regularly, much of the time without thinking.
If you want a culture where people speak up… Do you consistently listen, without interrupting or shutting ideas down? Do you celebrate all ideas?
If you want a team that takes accountability… Are you willing to own your own mistakes openly? Do you follow through on your commitments?
If you want a culture of kindness… Do you regularly show empathy and acknowledge effort? Do you manage your frustration?
These don’t have to be grand gestures. It can be as simple as making eye contact, saying thank you, giving credit where it’s due. Every small moment compounds into something bigger.
Don’t forget your emotions
Research in neuroscience has shown that emotions are contagious. When a leader is consistently frustrated or impatient, that feeling ripples out. If you walk into a meeting already checked out, your team will mirror that energy. Conversely, a leader who stays calm under pressure, who acknowledges difficulties without spiralling into negativity, can help to create that same atmosphere and approach in their team.
Even when we think we’re good at hiding how we’re feeling, once again evidence suggests this isn’t the case. Those around us can sense something going on, even if they don’t know exactly what that is. The risk is those around you interpret that edge in your voice, or that facial expression as something about them, and more than that, something bad. Because it’s usually safer to assume the worst, just in case.
Whenever you can, be open and own that you have something going on. Simply acknowledging it can interrupt a spiral of interpretation by the other person. Take a breath, slow down, and reconnect to the conversation. And if you need to reschedule, do. Better that than the alternative.
Be intentional about the culture you create
Remember I said you’re always being watched? You can use this as a force for good in your team and your organization. Being conscious of this, being aware of the messages your behaviour, habits, energy and emotions send out, means you can harness this power to set the tone. Model the behaviour you wish to see and that will create conditions for your team to perform at their best.
Try asking yourself:
What’s the impact of my presence in a room? How do I show up? How do I want to show up?
How do I react under pressure, and what does that teach my team?
Do my actions align with the kind of culture I want to build? Where might there be gaps?
Where am I frustrated by other’s behaviour, and how might that be related to how I show up?
Your team is watching. If you model the right behaviours consistently, they won’t need a policy to tell them what’s expected. They’ll just see it in action.
That’s what it means to set the tone.
Do you know what tone you set? Join the conversation and leave a comment below.
If, like me, you are (were) a fan of the TV show ER, you may remember it was a theme that came up a number of times over the long running series around the leadership of the Emergency Department at the heart of the drama. This compilation shows the evolution of that over time, so do have a watch if you have a few minutes to spare – it’s an interesting way to see the concept in practice.
Last chance to join the January, Small Stuff, Big Impact workshop
It’s back! I’m running another Small Stuff Big Impact Workshop on 29th January at 12.30pm GMT.
Unlock the hidden power of small, everyday interactions with "Small Stuff, Big Impact: Discover the transformative power of micro-interactions" – this live, online (and complimentary) workshop will introduce you to the world of micro-interactions – those small, seemingly inconsequential moments that have a profound impact on your team’s engagement and performance. If you’re leading or managing others, mastering these moments is essential to building stronger relationships and creating a more motivated, connected team.
In this 60-minute introductory workshop, you will:
🌟 Learn what micro-interactions are and why they matter in leadership.
🌟 Discover how small adjustments in communication, tone, and behaviour can create a ripple effect, transforming your daily interactions into powerful tools for engagement.
🌟 Learn how to translate theory into action – you will leave with practical suggestions to start making subtle but effective changes right away.
Register for your place via this link, and please do share with anyone you know who might like to join.
Places are limited to ensure a truly interactive discussion, so sign up now to avoid missing out.
See you there!
And finally…
We can set the tone through our emails too. Which may or may not match what we really think 🤣
Thanks for reading! See you next week for “What I’ve been reading…” where I’ll be taking a look at No Hard Feelings: Emotions at work (and how they help us succeed) by Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy.