The art of supporting others
It's not always as simple as you might think...
In my last Substack we explored different types of support you could ask for. This time I thought I’d stick with that theme but flip it around and look at how to support others, because there’s more to doing it well than you might think.
Before we get anywhere near doing anything, there are two key things to figure out first:
identifying that someone needs support; and
understanding what type of support they would benefit from (which may be different from what they’re asking for).
How do you know someone needs support?
They ask. Right?
Well, perhaps. Yes, often it is that simple but not always. For the fiercely independent people (*waves*), sometimes we need reminding that support is available and it’s OK to avail yourself of it, however we can’t be relied upon to ask.
As a leader it’s helpful to get to know the styles and habits of your team to understand who may not ask proactively. And, to build the habit of proactively checking in.
Try asking: “What support do you need?” or “How can I support you with that?” Both normalise providing support in a way that: “Do you need any help?” doesn’t achieve in the same way. If you’re not noticing, and offering, some members of your team who would really benefit from some outside input may fly under the radar.
Sometimes noticing a need for support is simply about paying attention. Is someone quieter than usual? Do they seem stressed? Are you seeing emails being sent at unusual hours of the day (for them)? I used to hide when I was struggling. Sometimes literally - I’d book a meeting room and go and work in there to avoid having to talk to other people or show visibly that I was finding something hard. Had someone been paying attention and checked in, in a kindly way, I might have found it within me to allow for support.
It’s another version of asking: “Are you OK?” “Are you really OK?”
Bear in mind the other side of the equation too: those people who seem to ask for help with everything. Sometimes it’s because they’re lazy; much more often it’s because they feel insecure and want reassurance, or to make sure that they get it right.
As a leader, you want to get to know those people too. If you’re a natural problem solver it can be tempting to leap in and help every time, after all, they need you, right? And we all like to feel needed… Yet every time you jump in you remove the chance to develop not only their skills but their confidence. You also encourage them to ask again next time, so perpetuating a cycle. If that’s a habit of yours, look for opportunities to break it. Especially if you’re overwhelmed with work, because this might be one of the reasons why.
Photo by Neil Thomas on Unsplash
How do you know what support they would benefit from?
They tell you. Right? Well once again, sometimes yes, sometimes no.
If you’ve got to the point where you’ve realised someone could use some support, this is a good moment to take a breath, slow down, and dial up your listening. Give that person your undivided attention, as in, the highest quality attention you can offer. No multitasking, no phone, no thinking about what you need to be doing for the rest of the day!
Sometimes, that attention alone is enough. Creating a supportive space where that person can process out loud, perhaps with the occasional gentle encouragement or open question from you, can allow them to work something through themselves.
If they seem stuck you could also try more of a coaching approach, using questions to help them think through a challenge and come up with a solution or some possible ways forward by themselves. Make sure you don’t inadvertently lay a trap - where your questions are in fact leading to what you think is the right solution, which will only make them feel worse if they don’t get there by themselves!
It’s also important to learn to recognise when something more practical is required.
At times when I’ve been struggling the most, when kind, well-meaning people around me have asked “How can I help?” it has only made me feel worse. Why? Because I don’t have an answer to that either. I don’t know what help I need, or what help you could offer.
Sensing that, and knowing when to offer concrete suggestions, is key to being able to support your people well.
As is knowing when to say no!
There will be times when the best thing to do is to gently but firmly push your people away and let them figure something out on their own. Or, at the very least, nudge them to take some more time to think it through so they can have a conversation based on some part-formed ideas rather than a blank slate!
Sweating the Small Stuff
This week: Offer support in a new way
If your habit is to jump in and help out everywhere, try leaning back and listening more. Slow down and see if you can support the other person to figure it out themselves.
Conversely, if you’re always busy and avoid offering, see if you can notice and offer more support. Check in, and even if no practical support is required, offer encouragment or reassurance.
I’d love to hear your thoughts! Have you tried applying the three types of support from last week yet: momentum, insight and reassurance?
Let me know how you get on with this too. What are your blind spots or habits around support? What are you trying differently? How is it going? Drop a comment below and join the conversation.
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